Filed under: dogs, food | Tags: cheesecake, children of god, dogs, food, hollywood, joaquin pheonix, letterman, NPR, puerto rico, tomato soup, werner herzog, wikipedia, youtube
It started with talk of grilled cheese sandwiches, but we did not have any tomato soup. We figured tomato soup must be pretty easy to make. I had my laptop on the coffee table, right in front of us. It was there because we had just finished watching a Youtube video of Joaquin Phoenix’s recent Letterman appearance. It is sad on many levels and hysterical only on one.
I googled “tomato soup recipe” and clicked on the link at the top of the list.
Chopped tomatoes
Olive oil
Salt and pepper
Celery
Carrot
Cebollas (this week I am saying cebollas instead of onions.)
Garlic
Chicken broth
Bay leaf
Butter
Basil leaves.
Shit, our basil is dead.
Heavy cream.
I have evaporated milk. I bought it accidentally and opened it accidentally a few days ago. The can says I have to use it soon. My boyfriend says evaporated milk is disgusting, so we will not use any sort of milk or cream in this soup.
On the left side of the window there are tabs… one has a striking picture of a brown, dense-looking pie with no crust. It says it is a chocolate cheesecake. I am very, very interested.
Smoke detector went off.
I’m back now.
Anyway, chocolate cheesecake. Click on the picture, and you get the recipe for that. The links on the side of this page read: “Paula’s NY Cheesecake, Deep-Fried Cheesecake, Ultimate Fantasy Deep-Fried Cheesecake, Jake’s Explosive Turtle Cheesecake.”
I email Jake’s Explosive Turtle Cheesecake recipe to myself and print out the Deep-Fried Cheesecake recipe. I’ve got everything for it except white chocolate, but fuck white chocolate. I hate that shit anyway.
I made the cheesecake without the white chocolate while listening to a black history month special on NPR about the N word. Don’t use it, it’s back out of style. Fashion isn’t the only thing that runs in 20 year cycles.
As the cake cools in the backyard in preparation for its dive into a pool of hot oil, I meander onto Joaquin Pheonix’s wikipedia page. He’s Puerto-Rican! His parents were hippies who met through hitchhiking and belonged to the Children of God, a cult I look forward to googling. Under the “Personal Life” section it says: “On January 26, 2006, Phoenix was in a car accident in Hollywood on a winding canyon road that flipped his car over. The crash reportedly was caused by brake failure. Shaken and confused, Phoenix heard a tapping on his window and a voice say, “Just relax”. Unable to see the man, Phoenix replied, “I’m fine. I am relaxed”. The man replied, ‘No, you’re not’. At this point, Phoenix managed to see that the man was famed, eccentric German auteur Werner Herzog. After helping Phoenix out of the wreckage, Herzog phoned in an ambulance and vanished.”
My dog has just walked into the room with his head down. His face is covered with tomato soup. Suddenly, my life feels hopeless. Hopefully it’s just a phase.
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